extra credit

Today I left the building and walked to the Gateway mall. I went to Barnes and Noble with the intent of purchasing a book and to monitor my anxiety levels. I felt fine walking toward the mall. I was not winded, a light breeze kept me cool, and I stared at the sidewalk. However, As I approached the last corner, there was a taco vender and he was retrieving items from a portable cooler as he created a customer's order. It occurred to me that there is no quality assurance regarding the food. I could picture vomit made from what he was putting on the taco. Anxiety level increased, but not enough to remain (2). Then I crossed the street and there was another vendor! Level moved upward again because this guy just looked creepy (3). As I entered the walkway at the mall, I passed a very tall, black man eating his lunch on a bench. I thought he might be a basketball ball player used to people gawking at him (let the man eat in peace!) so I made sure to look elsewhere. Minimal anxiety (2). Inside Barnes and Noble, I experience no anxiety as I browsed for a new book. I was focused and had personal intent so I was pretty disconnected from my surroundings. Minimal anxiety (1). I approached the cashier and knew the questions were going to come. "did you find everything?" increase a notch. "do you have a membership card?" increase another notch. "is this debit or credit?" up one more notch and escape! Overall experience, minimal anxiety (1-3).

Went to the food court to get lunch. Chose taco time. I hadn't had that in a very long time. Chose a soft chicken taco. Chicken is usually safe to eat. Also had tater-tots. They were surprisingly good and were not greasy! Added salt because I was craving it. Felt I could handle a Mr. Pibb. Cashier was nice and kept calling me "hon" (2). Took my tray to sit and noticed two tables that each had two young men eating together. They were skinny and effeminate. Anxiety increased two notches (4).

Found a table away from the walkways but close to the exits. Noticed an older woman eating a chocolate sunday and watching people. Noticed a black man with his children; a boy and a girl. They were happy. Noticed a professional looking man pushing a stroller with twin infants. I wondered where his wife was, and smiled that this man attempted such a risky excursion. Saw them later and his wife and another child joined them. I thought that mother doesn't look big enough to have delivered those babies. She was too young and pretty to have the challenge of twin infants and a toddler, but it made me smile (2). Noticed a short, round woman wearing a dress that came to her knees in the front, but was raised in the back so that you could nearly see her butt. Increased anxiety--she shouldn't be in public (3). Noticed several SLC fire-fighters. Most had big bellies, which I find odd. But they also had big arms and legs. Wondered where they had come from and where they were going. They looked carefree so there is no danger. Remain minimally anxious (2).

Couldn't finish my taco, but ate all the tater-tots. Mr. Pibb started working on me. Could feel the jitters moving along my spine and into my arms (3). Time to go. Passed more SLC fire-fighters. They all look the same. Noticed the mall security man on his bicycle speaking to a clerk from a kiosk. The clerk had black hair with bright pink stripes in it. It looked cool. Her face had a lot of acne. Noticed a young couple who were very skinny. The male had on a tight, long-sleeve t-shirt and baggy pants that hung below his butt. They looked like they would fall off at any time. His hair was messy and he had piercings on his face. The female was super skinny but had big boobs. It looked stupid. She looked like she had pushed herself into a child's pair of exercise pants. She also wore a tight t-shirt, showing off her chest. Her hair was long and stringy. I thought they were meth users and wondered if they knew how unhealthy and unattractive they were to others. Anxiety level increased a notch but it may be the Mr. Pibb (3+). And walking is increasing my heart rate and breathing. Passed a group of people. One man sat on the bench and was wearing sweat pants and baggy t-shirts. He looked black but I wasn't sure. He wore his hair in dred-locks. A girl was part of this group and her hair had no style. It was here and there, as though she just got out of bed. She had a few piercings on her face. The third person was a male, but I looked away and cannot describe him. The group smelled strongly of incense and marijuana. I wondered if this group was the topic of the kiosk clerk and mall security person. Increased another notch and slowed my walking pace. I am now aware that my sock is folded over inside my shoe and is causing a blister on the ball of my foot (4).

Taco vendor is still there. Avoid looking. Pass the next vendor and avoid looking. A passing car honks at another motorist who thinks it is a two-lane road. At the next corner, I missed the traffic light so I continued walking around the corner and crossed mid-street. I am getting winded now and my back is hurting. (lugging these hips around) My foot is also hurting. I am aware of my heart beating and my breathing. Slow my pace again. Made the next two lights and returned to my office. Sat and visited with the executive secretary and my hands are jittery. Perspiring. Heart beating rapidly. Breathing is still shallow. Level of anxiety 5.

It is now two hours since I returned to the office. I can still feel the jitters in both arms and in my back. My breathing is normal. My heart beat is normal. Jitters are keeping me at about a 3.

What I learned--Mr. Pibb and physical exertion do not mix well.