WHO IS SULKING?

 

 

 

ok.....twice now in ten days. The Nemesis is nudging back into my life on a regular basis it seems. Last week I blamed myself due to the ridiculous self talk that had me believing the couple behind me at the movie theater were actually loading guns and planned to take those of us attending out of our misery. But this week....I'm not sure I can really say what my brain was thinking.

 

As we were getting ready for church, and just as I was completing a final coating of hair spray, my daughter came into my bathroom looking for something. I reminded her where it was but somehow she ended up on the interior side of my bathroom while I was doing my hair. This isn't a new development, this is something that happens frequently, not only with this daughter but all of her sisters as well. I do however, remember feeling a bit squished inside my bubble.

 

Never-the-less, my hubby and I head out for our three hour meetings. As we entered the building, I felt fine; but the closer to the chapel we got, the faster my heart rate became. It was warm in the chapel and I noticed other women fanning themselves with paper so I know it wasn't just me feeling the heat. I hyperventilated through the opening prayer, singing, announcements, singing, and the sacrament. But I was losing it quickly. I watched the clock, S L O W L Y, s-l-o-w-l-y, slowly, s*l*o*w*l*y count down those 20 minutes to where the fight or flight response should begin to back down.

 

But it didn't. And due to the new plate that sits right behind my throat, I began gagging. I was able to hide the gagging until the first speaker stood and introduced herself and her topic. It was now 40 minutes after the hour and I was done. I informed the OSM One that I had to go. He was aware of the entire argument I was having with the Nemesis so when I informed him I had to go, he immediately gathered his belongings and escorted me from chapel. I gagged and choked all the way down the hall and outdoors toward the car. The OSM One turns the AC on high (thank heaven for small favors!) and I immediately roll down my window. I need movement! Air! Even so, the gagging continued all the way home and following my desperate swallowing of two Xanax. I want it done! I want it over! Turn me off and reboot!

 

I slept for a few hours. Got up. Slept again for a few hours. Got a headache!! The Nemesis hid within my safety zone and seemed to sneak up on me repeatedly over the next 24 hours. I let my supervisor know on Monday Morning that I needed to sleep off some meds and I hoped to be in the office that afternoon. I slept until 2:00 PM! So I put in a few hours of telecommuting. This morning I could feel the burning in my arms and down my back that tells me the Nemesis is nearby. I took the train into the office and arrived looking like I had run a marathon. But I was at work. The Nemesis followed me to work, but once I am in my cubby, with my earphones on and my mind focused on my responsibilities, he sulks away like a sore loser. Booo Yah!