catch up

I keep forgetting to write this blog! I know it has been a very long time since I updated. To make a long story short—my dad finally divorced Mary but he was left with nothing. We were allowed to sell his mobile home without problem. We sold it to a young couple who are planning to remodel it. They had been looking at used mobile homes for a couple of years, but said they were all junky. My dad’s home was in pretty good shape, except for the water damage. Of course they also get landscaping that is only a year old!

The stress of dealing with my dad’s affairs has taken a toll on my everyday life. I asked my if I could telecommute one day a week but he said, “We don’t have telecommuting.” The department as a whole does have a policy but our “office” does not use it. Unfortunately, that meant I could ask for an accommodation through the ADA. Something I am uncomfortable about. In all my years of working, I have never had to use my health as leverage for anything. Plus, my doctor, who I had for the past 25 years retired, and my new doctor has only seen me three times.

When I went to the doctor (actually his physician’s assistant) to discuss the situation, he decided we should start by changing my medication. He said the new medication is exactly the same as my current med, but has less side effects. I specifically asked if I was suppose to completely stop my regular med and just start using the new one and he assured me that it would be ok because the medications are basically the same thing. I was in the Emergency Room within three days. Ugh!

Brian was able to help me a lot before we actually arrived at the ER, but I was still hyperventilating and pretty much collapsed as we entered the building. They took me into triage immediately. I had asked Brian to bring my medications with us so he could show exactly what I was using and for what. Oh my Gosh! Because of the type of medications and the fact that one was very new, they had a psych evaluate me for suicidal ideation. I wasn’t having problems with that, it was just a relapse into severe panic attacks. I was also suffering from a severe headache, like nothing I’ve experienced before. Because of this, they decided to do a CT scan to make sure I did not have a ‘bleed’ within the brain. I wasn’t worried about it, as I just felt I was having repeated panic. But, they set me up with an IV and injected medication for the headache, nausea and another sedative. After a short time, I was ready to go home. YEA!

Apparently I told Brian I wanted cheesecake, so on the way home from the hospital, he stopped at Albertson’s and bought a huge cheesecake that had a variety of flavors. When we got home, I took three pieces and lay on my bed to snarf them down, but I only ate the tips off of each piece and then I was completely out. I do not remember even leaving the hospital, much less the whole cheesecake adventure, but I did enjoy the cheesecake the next day!

The panic attacks have continued but I followed the ER doctor’s recommendation to return to my doctor and see him, NOT the assistant. Dr. Johnson put me back on my regular medication and I am feeling much better, although the side effects accompany the drugs. The stress of so much travel has really sent me over the edge. I have been experiencing random panic along with rolling panic. The final straw for me was when I began having panic attacks from the sanctity of my own bedroom. I was in my room, reading and no one was in the room with me. The door was closed, so it was fairly quiet. But I started to panic and ended up taking two full milligrams of Xanax. I no longer have a safe haven to escape to. My doctor is completing the letter regarding an accommodation through the ADA and I have scheduled a return to Dr. Daley who helped me following the 9-11 attacks and the 2002 olympics. I am not sure what I am forgetting, but perhaps he will be able to help me re-establish a healthy thought pattern and I can move back into life. (I haven’t even been to church in months and riding the bus to Salt Lake is killing me!)