I AM STILL HERE!

 

About 18 months ago, I reported faithfully that I was attempting to stop the infamous Effexor XR. While this drug truly saved my life and allowed me to venture onto the public stage for many, many years; I realized I was reaching 50 yrs old and still dependent on that little pill. Mind you, I still require my little blue pill (Xanax) on a regular basis, but I don't expect that to be dealt with for quite some time.

 

Those of us in the know....know that getting off of Effexor is like traveling through hell on a roller coaster. Roller Coasters are shit producing rides all by themselves but when you delve into the lower realms of life, THAT is something else!! The feeling of doing loopdy-doops while on flat, solid ground combined with the pain of your body searching for the tiniest particle of drug still remaining is enough to send a sane person searching for electric shock therapy for relief. The brain fog and brain zaps force you to reconsider doing this.  But I was determined and planned it during a time of year that would allow me to have those nose-to-nose fights with my Nemesis without the additional fear of losing my job.

 

The plan was to take an entire year to wean myself from the highest dose of 300 mg a day down to zero. I can report to you that with each decrease in dosage, the same side effects mentioned above reappeared. The first weeks following a decrease were the hardest to survive. I became angry and irritable at everything. My patience was gone in my quest to stop being a patient of the pharmacy. I am lucky to still be married - yes I believe I was THAT unstable.

 

I finally made it down to the minimum dosage of 37 mg of Effexor XR. The next change would be to zero. But I was too scared. Instead of remaining on that dosage though, my doctor and I agreed to switch to the original Effexor. The original was available in tablet form and I could cut the dosage in half and taper myself off as I felt strong enough. THIS was the hardest part of the journey!! Not having the drug in my system on an extended basis caused my body to hurt. Hurt!! As though my bones were straws searching and sucking the bottom of the cup, to get that last milligram. I cried frequently in the open as well as silently. I could do this!! I would do this!!

 

I finally reached a point where I thought I could go for it. It happened by accident really. I spontaneously decided to go visit my daughter and ended up spending the night at her home without medications (or a toothbrush, the horror!!) That meant by the time I was to take another Effexor, I would have gone 48 hours without. Since they weren't extended release, I figured why send in a booster? THAT is when I lost my mind.

 

I forgot how to communicate with others. I offended everyone in one way or another and it was usually done through opinions falling out of my mouth without filter. My commute to work became nightmarish again and I found myself facing the Nemesis almost daily on the train. Sometimes I returned home. Sometimes I called our Executive Secretary and let her know I was in the building but trapped in the bathroom - I would be there as soon as I regained control of myself (more importantly control of my bowel).

 

It was ugly. It was painful. It was a longgggg year. But I can proudly say that Effexor XR is no longer part of my daily routine. I would give myself a standing ovation if it mattered. It doesn't. I do not feel victorious over the Nemesis, nor do I feel victorious over pharmaceuticals. The Panic Attacks increased to a daily basis. During a quiet evening at home on a Saturday night, the Nemesis burst into my world again. After four hours and 5 mg of Xanax I asked my husband to take me to the ER. It is inexcusable to have 5 mgs of Xanax in my system and still have a heart rate above 100 and unstable. Especially on a quiet Saturday night.  Following an IV,  two injections of Ativan, and a couple add-ons of Benadryl, I was finally calm enough to return to my own bed. That week, I notified my MD that I needed a longer acting anti-anxiolic. Now I use Klonipin twice a day. In addition to the Xanax that had inched higher and higher in daily usage.

 

In the mean time - something was not right in my gut. I could feel it. I thought perhaps a urinary infection, something quickly taken care of by an antibiotic. Wrong. Not just endometriosis, but adenomiosis (endometriosis growing into the muscle wall). Can be managed with anti-inflamatories unless it is interfering in your daily life. Hysterectomy is the solution. With a family history of Ovarian Cancer - I chose to do a total hysterectomy. That means sudden menopause, which can be managed with estrogen. But then the Estriodol Patch gave me  blood blisters and that was the end of that. NOW, I am just crazy. A FREAK.  I'm not sure if it has anything to do with drug withdrawal anymore or if it is hormone withdrawal. I continue to make enemies everywhere I go because I don't keep my mouth shut. I move from feeling fine to being angry to being afraid to being mouthy to being a straight up bitch. And then I cry. I am using two Klonipin a day and usually an additional 2 mg of Xanax. My husband reassures me that he loves me. That this too shall pass. And I cry myself to sleep again wondering who is really winning this battle. BUT, I AM STILL HERE!