AGORAFABULOUS!!

I picked up this book because it sounded like the name of a blog I should be writing!! "Dispatches from my Bedroom" is exactly how my posts are created. Usually while alone, under the covers in my bedroom, where it is safe and cozy.

I actually have not gotten very far into the book, but have found it to be hilarious so far. Granted, I've only read the first chapter, but it is a good start. The most gratifying information already exposed is that Ms. Benincasa experiences Panic Attacks very similar to my own, in that the bowels are one of the first body parts to abandon her.

She tells of a trip to Italy while she was in high school. While on this trip, the group spent an afternoon sight seeing on a particularly hot day. Bathrooms were few and far between and when the group returned to the chartered bus, Ms. Benincasa recognized an all-too-familiar pain in her lower gut. She writes:

"...It wasn't until I sank into my dark blue upholstered seat that I realized a voice inside my head was growling at me"

She had already had a gazillion panic attacks on buses so she was not surprised this was happening, just a bit concerned..

"...As I gripped my seat, willing my self not to writhe in terror, my body went cold. The sweat, formerly a comfort, now felt like a thin layer of ice coating every inch of my body. I began to shiver. I realized, with a start that my bowels were about to evacuate. This made sense as I'd heard sometimes people crapped themselves upon dying, but I was tormented by the thought that I might not actually expire for a few minutes post pants-pooping. Propelled by the desire to not spend my last few moments writhing in my own shit while thirty eight human teenagers and an adolescent monster looked on, I called out, "Mr. D'Angelo?"

Yes, I laughed hysterically at her situation. Mostly because it was her story, and not my own, but also because it was sooooo familiar! She convinced her teacher, who then convinced the bus driver to pull over at a gas station so the kids can use the restroom. Ms. Benincasa reports that she made it into the bathroom (I was holding my breathe on that) and completed the necessities of using the throne. But as she rose to exit the bathroom, her Nemesis increased its manipulating power:

 "You piece of shit," it hissed. "you fucking loser."  ...I raised my hand to open the latch to the bathroom door. "You can't go out there," the voice snapped. Everything will hurt again. You can't go out there. It'll be worse than before. You have to stay here. You have to stay right here. You'll never make it anywhere. Why did you think you could come here? You're broken and everybody knows it. You'll never see home again. You're going to die in here."

Ms. Benincasa indicates those of use with such anxiety have magical powers: WE JUST KNOW. Thus it was revealed to her that she could not leave the bathroom, and she sat back down on the toilet. She sat, and sat:

"...In reality, I sat for no more than twenty minutes. But stuck in that bathroom with only my hateful inner monologue for company, as my heart pounded in my ears and I perspired rivers...I felt certain in the knowledge that to leave was to die. So I stayed."

She stayed until the school teacher came calling for her, reminding her that her class mates were tiring of the wait. Everyone was anxious to get to the beach, which had been delayed for the gas station. Ms. Benincasa was not one who could stand to let down soooo many peers and so she stood, opened the door, and proceeded to pass out in front of the teacher and the bus driver!! (Oh! Noooo!! Another worst case scenario!!) The teacher determines she needs to go to the hospital. All the adolescents were now much more than upset. When they arrive at the hospital, the students must remain on the bus, which is unable to run the air-conditioning while parked, and just for good measure, none of the windows are functional!!

The thought processes that Ms. Benincasa experiences are sooooo similar to my own, that I found myself laughing out loud! In her own words:

"...Something about being in that wheelchair just seemed wrong, like I was taking up a real sick person's space. Even in my hazy daze, I felt like a fraud. I was going to die, sure, but they shouldn't waste the wheel chair on me! Maybe they could hook me up with a blanket and a stuffed animal and just let me expire quietly."

She ends up on a sedative. And life gets better. For a while anyway. Oh gosh! It was just so real to me and so funny because I knew exactly what those feelings were!! It is such a relief to read of someone who fully understands what a full, out-of-the-blue panic attack can do to one's sanity!! I looked up Ms. Benincasa on-line and saw that someone asked her once how she got over her problems. Her response? She hasn't. She manages with medication and acceptance that her Nemesis exists. Just like me! Just another crazy, who needs sedatives to make it through the day! Here we are! For everyone to see!! (for an example of my own bathroom experience look here:
http://osmfmlypanicroom.blogspot.com/2010/06/photobucket.html