ALONE

I am very lazy when it comes to updating my blogs, so in the Panic Room, it looks like my life is flying by very smoothly without interruptions. This is not true. I would need to sit and carefully look at my calendar to effectively share how often and to what degree my panic attacks follow me around.

Our youngest child and her husband have moved out of our home. I have been very spoiled when it comes to letting go of my girls. Four out of five have actually lived in our home after they were married and sometimes they even had a child with them! Needless to say, there were regular noises that were attributed to the "upstairs family."

Our home is also aging--about 13 years now. So we hear the settling, popping, and other unannounced sounds. One of the sounds that always makes me jump is the sound of our front door as the air conditioner or furnace kicks off. It sounds like someone has harshly slammed the door. One of my daughters would always go to each room of the house and make sure there was no one hiding or lurking there and then close the doors. When my husband and I would arrive home, it looked so funny that all of the lights are on AND all of the doors are closed.

Now I understand what this child was experiencing. Without the "upstairs family" to blame for random noises, I now have to face these noises by myself!!

This past month has been particularly difficult as my husband has been super busy at his job. He manages a sports field and it is in an active season, so he is usually home very late about 3 times a week. That means I am ALONE! ALL BY MYSELF!! AND the noises are louder when you are alone!!

One evening, I was so full of anxiety from hearing that front door "pop," which kept startling me, that I finally gave up waiting for my hubby and took two candy bars from storage. I took those candy bars into our room, and took a long, hot shower. I figured he would be home by the time I finished the shower. So as I am putting on my pajama bottoms, I hear the front door and assume my hubby is home. He will come into our room any minute...any second now...and I stand frozen in position, just in case it isn't my hubby but some intruder with bad intentions. I even look around me, trying to find something hard that I could use to defend myself. There is nothing to use but about twenty paperback books that I have piled next to my bed. But nothing happens...OK...but he will be home any time now.

I settle myself into bed; under the four quilts and the electric blanket, and open both candy bars. I scarf them down...I hear the door again...surely this will be the OsmOne...but nothing happens. I decide I really want something more to eat and go to the storage room again and pull a new package of Cheetos out. I make my way back to my room, where I chomp down the entire bag...and then I hear the door...this will be him.............yet again, no one enters my room.

I can't take this anymore!! I take my medications, which includes 300mg of Effexor and usually 1mg of Xanax. But tonight, just to make sure...I take 2mg of Xanax. Then I settle back into my bed, under my quilts and electric blanket and begin reading yet another paperback. I notice chocolates on my bedside table that my husband bought for me. As I read, I pop chocolates into my mouth, leaving the wrappers on the bed.

I am not awake when my hubby comes home, but I awake early in the morning very sick to my stomach!! I am also chilled, so I go to the coat closet and take out the OsmOne's quilted flannel, then I return to bed wearing it. When the OsmOne is preparing to leave for work, he asks if I am cold. I said, "Not really, but I am not feeling very well." After noticing all the chocolate wrappers on the bed, I explain that I may have eaten too many chocolates. After he leaves for work, I roll out of bed to head to the restroom. That is when I notice the empty Cheetos bag lying on the floor and I suddenly remember all that I had eaten the night before. Now I was really feeling ill!

Later that evening, the OsmOne went into the storage room and when he came out empty handed, he kindly asked if I had eaten the Cheetos...OK! I admit it! Then I explained how I was so keyed up and scared and I just wanted him to come home, so I took the two candy bars and the Cheetos and went to take a shower...

He laughed and said, "Normally, one doesn't grab two candy bars and get naked when they are scared!!" AUGHHHHH!! I am so lucky he puts up with me and the Nemesis.