KAREN 1, PANIC 2

This morning was awful!! I was jittery when I awoke but proceeded to shower, eat breakfast and even check the headlines in the newspaper. I kissed my hubby good-bye and headed into work. As I pulled from the drive-way I had a sudden heat sensation crawl up my back with the tingling attached to it. I pulled into a gas station two exits later.

I spent about 10 minutes waiting for the feelings to subside. I wasn't really able to use the restroom which surprised me. I contacted my partner at work and informed her i was on my way but making several restroom stops as I go. Turned out she was running late as well.

About 3 exits later, I felt that heat rise again, with the tingling spreading outword from my back and now burning in my arms. A lot of self talk and deep stomach breathing allowed me to grab control back from the demon that follows me. I was now moving around 'point of the mountain' and the traffic suddenly became bumper to bumper and stop and go. This was probably due to construction and merging of traffic, in addition to poor weather, but added to the subconscious anxiety.

I had another 5 minute repreive from the anxiety, before the warmth rose again. My air conditioning in the vehicle was on full throttle and the temperature measured 34 degrees, but I was still having the rolling panic. I regained control again and traveled further. Now, approaching the office I was expected at, my stomach began to cramp, the heat rose again, the tingling returned,  the heavy breathing started, and my heart rate escalated. I knew I was losing the battle at this point.

I arrived at the office and immediately approached the nearest door. It was locked and would need a key card to enter. No time. I headed for the main entrance, I knew there was a restroom located in the lobby and I would not have to stop to explain anything to anyone. I struggled to remove my scarf and my jacket, and while fumbling with the hooks and buttons on my slacks, became away of a loss of bowel control. Nooooo!! When this occurs, there is no stopping the flow. Despite everything I have ever tried, this signals the end of today's battle. The locked door of my bowel is burst open and a spicket of feces is held open, without a way to interupt or reduce the flow. I hurried to remove my slacks before the mess soaked through--too late. I ended  up having to clean the toilet, the floor in front of the toilet and  my undergarment. I rinsed my undergarment and place it in a zippered compartment inside my computer bag. 20 minutes later, I emerged from the bathroom, hoping I didn't stink too noticably.

I began with the first worker and supervisor available to me, but in the middle of reviewing the audit with them, my throat constricted and I was suddenly choking. I am now being taunted by the demon. I whispered a sincere apology as I left the room to get a long drink of water. Then I returned to the same worker and her supervisor, continuing where we left off. But within a minute, I choked again and once again apologized. The supervisor then found a cup I could use to keep water at the table. She was a life saver!!

I remained as long as possible but continued to have the rolling panic overcome me forcing me to focus more on maintaining composure than on anything else. I ultimately informed my supervisor I would be using FMLA for the rest of the afternoon, as agreed to in the ADA accomodation.

Difficulty traveling home, but as soon as I arrived; two xanax and I went to bed. I won a few scirmishes today but the battle was ultimately ruled by the demon. How many undergarments must expire before the war ends? At least today, I was able to escort the remains home for a proper washing and return to productive purpose.

AND THIS IS WHY I HATE PANIC!!