AN OLD FRIEND

 

I ran into an old friend at Walmart the other day. When I entered this aisle, there was a dark skinned woman reaching into the freezer for an item. I moved beyond her to where the frozen blueberries were located. When I turned around, the woman was gone. I hung around for a little while to see if she had just gone to the end or perhaps around the corner, but alas, her shopping cart had been abandoned.

 

I used to do that all the time. Just minding my business when the Nemesis suddenly calls and I would drop everything, or abandon everything to escape. Looking at that shopping cart made me giggle a little. It also made me sad, knowing that whoever that woman was.....she would not be returning for her cart.

I AM STILL HERE!

 

About 18 months ago, I reported faithfully that I was attempting to stop the infamous Effexor XR. While this drug truly saved my life and allowed me to venture onto the public stage for many, many years; I realized I was reaching 50 yrs old and still dependent on that little pill. Mind you, I still require my little blue pill (Xanax) on a regular basis, but I don't expect that to be dealt with for quite some time.

 

Those of us in the know....know that getting off of Effexor is like traveling through hell on a roller coaster. Roller Coasters are shit producing rides all by themselves but when you delve into the lower realms of life, THAT is something else!! The feeling of doing loopdy-doops while on flat, solid ground combined with the pain of your body searching for the tiniest particle of drug still remaining is enough to send a sane person searching for electric shock therapy for relief. The brain fog and brain zaps force you to reconsider doing this.  But I was determined and planned it during a time of year that would allow me to have those nose-to-nose fights with my Nemesis without the additional fear of losing my job.

 

The plan was to take an entire year to wean myself from the highest dose of 300 mg a day down to zero. I can report to you that with each decrease in dosage, the same side effects mentioned above reappeared. The first weeks following a decrease were the hardest to survive. I became angry and irritable at everything. My patience was gone in my quest to stop being a patient of the pharmacy. I am lucky to still be married - yes I believe I was THAT unstable.

 

I finally made it down to the minimum dosage of 37 mg of Effexor XR. The next change would be to zero. But I was too scared. Instead of remaining on that dosage though, my doctor and I agreed to switch to the original Effexor. The original was available in tablet form and I could cut the dosage in half and taper myself off as I felt strong enough. THIS was the hardest part of the journey!! Not having the drug in my system on an extended basis caused my body to hurt. Hurt!! As though my bones were straws searching and sucking the bottom of the cup, to get that last milligram. I cried frequently in the open as well as silently. I could do this!! I would do this!!

 

I finally reached a point where I thought I could go for it. It happened by accident really. I spontaneously decided to go visit my daughter and ended up spending the night at her home without medications (or a toothbrush, the horror!!) That meant by the time I was to take another Effexor, I would have gone 48 hours without. Since they weren't extended release, I figured why send in a booster? THAT is when I lost my mind.

 

I forgot how to communicate with others. I offended everyone in one way or another and it was usually done through opinions falling out of my mouth without filter. My commute to work became nightmarish again and I found myself facing the Nemesis almost daily on the train. Sometimes I returned home. Sometimes I called our Executive Secretary and let her know I was in the building but trapped in the bathroom - I would be there as soon as I regained control of myself (more importantly control of my bowel).

 

It was ugly. It was painful. It was a longgggg year. But I can proudly say that Effexor XR is no longer part of my daily routine. I would give myself a standing ovation if it mattered. It doesn't. I do not feel victorious over the Nemesis, nor do I feel victorious over pharmaceuticals. The Panic Attacks increased to a daily basis. During a quiet evening at home on a Saturday night, the Nemesis burst into my world again. After four hours and 5 mg of Xanax I asked my husband to take me to the ER. It is inexcusable to have 5 mgs of Xanax in my system and still have a heart rate above 100 and unstable. Especially on a quiet Saturday night.  Following an IV,  two injections of Ativan, and a couple add-ons of Benadryl, I was finally calm enough to return to my own bed. That week, I notified my MD that I needed a longer acting anti-anxiolic. Now I use Klonipin twice a day. In addition to the Xanax that had inched higher and higher in daily usage.

 

In the mean time - something was not right in my gut. I could feel it. I thought perhaps a urinary infection, something quickly taken care of by an antibiotic. Wrong. Not just endometriosis, but adenomiosis (endometriosis growing into the muscle wall). Can be managed with anti-inflamatories unless it is interfering in your daily life. Hysterectomy is the solution. With a family history of Ovarian Cancer - I chose to do a total hysterectomy. That means sudden menopause, which can be managed with estrogen. But then the Estriodol Patch gave me  blood blisters and that was the end of that. NOW, I am just crazy. A FREAK.  I'm not sure if it has anything to do with drug withdrawal anymore or if it is hormone withdrawal. I continue to make enemies everywhere I go because I don't keep my mouth shut. I move from feeling fine to being angry to being afraid to being mouthy to being a straight up bitch. And then I cry. I am using two Klonipin a day and usually an additional 2 mg of Xanax. My husband reassures me that he loves me. That this too shall pass. And I cry myself to sleep again wondering who is really winning this battle. BUT, I AM STILL HERE!

Man asking Direction

This is exactly how I feel when I am in public. Don't approach me!!!

TAPERING EFFEXOR

Great description of how I am feeling today. It is day five with a lowered dosage of Effexor. Tried a little 'hair of the dog' to see if it would help at all but alas, I am still floating; feeling the occasional bounce of my brain within the confines of my skull. It is disorienting and confusing. Even the movement of my eyes seem to cause my brain to shiver like jello. Having identified the mental state I find myself, the following post should be read carefully. One can never be sure where unbridled thoughts will wander.

As I look back on life's experiences that led me here, I realize nothing has really changed. The world around me is as evil now as it has always been. The emotions, feelings, and neural reactions within my physical body tend to overwhelm the spirit that exists as "me." I really liked that moment in the movie HOST where the alien is exposed not as an ugly worm or slithering beetle but a shimmering, delicate, compilation of light. Very fragile. That is who I am. Not a good match for the hardness found within this realm.

Today, I share portions of our world that have had enormous impact on my emotional well-being. I realize now, in this moment, that these examples of our world are not intended to show how my God  has deserted me, nor has HE deserted the world. But in a small way, our mortal experiences of parenthood are somehow intended to remind us of the greatest law, identified as Love one Another, As I Have Loved You. Having that advice come directly from our Father in Heaven, how do we live within the mortal realm and swim through the daily muck with enthusiasm and a smile? For the evil lies within our Brothers/Sisters. Within Us. Within Me? How have we misinterpreted our purpose here?? Am I destined to experience complete immersion into the mortal abyss??

Was I big-headed in the Pre-mortal realm? Did I have an ego that needed to be diminished? Why must my mortal life be filled with fear so intense that when having a choice, I choose to be hidden and alone? Perhaps it I am experiencing an intense case of home-sickness... 

I know where this came from. A beautiful version of IF I Could Hie to Kolob If I Could Hie to Kolob allowed me to escape the mortal body for only a moment and remember that the beauty of all around me is still here, but I am viewing it through the smog. So despite the feeling of a really bad-ass game of ping-pong going on inside my skull, I am going to excise myself from a pill. A drug that has control of my world. "I" may be fragile, but I will carry a big stick.

My name is Karen. I am Mom. And I have infinite worth. Right? yeh.

Her name was Erica 

(http://www.deseretnews.com/article/595079489/1984-Lafferty-case-still-haunts.html?pg=all)

His name was Noah

 (http://content.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,218445-2,00.html)

Jessica was everyone's child

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPkU-3TXBjk

Mormon frauds

http://en.fairmormon.org/Forgeries_related_to_Mormonism/Mark_Hofmann/Church_reaction_to_forgeries

Bailee the Nation's babe

http://content.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,134077,00.html

The nation's teacher goes with throttle up...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hQL0NWS1Rc    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2xRNAwgiZ4

Her name was Cassandra

http://caselaw.findlaw.com/ut-supreme-court/1061953.html

Mormons on Porn

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vlk_sRU49TI

His name was Graham

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xzl52g_serial-killer-arthur-gary-bishop_shortfilms

First Class watches death approach (when does God reach in and remove one's spirit?)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4i9dXusI5Bg

Her name was Elizabeth (Can we get an update on Mary Katherine please??)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDVgb7uVegQ

9/11

http://timeline.national911memorial.org/#/Explore/3

WHO IS SULKING?

 

 

 

ok.....twice now in ten days. The Nemesis is nudging back into my life on a regular basis it seems. Last week I blamed myself due to the ridiculous self talk that had me believing the couple behind me at the movie theater were actually loading guns and planned to take those of us attending out of our misery. But this week....I'm not sure I can really say what my brain was thinking.

 

As we were getting ready for church, and just as I was completing a final coating of hair spray, my daughter came into my bathroom looking for something. I reminded her where it was but somehow she ended up on the interior side of my bathroom while I was doing my hair. This isn't a new development, this is something that happens frequently, not only with this daughter but all of her sisters as well. I do however, remember feeling a bit squished inside my bubble.

 

Never-the-less, my hubby and I head out for our three hour meetings. As we entered the building, I felt fine; but the closer to the chapel we got, the faster my heart rate became. It was warm in the chapel and I noticed other women fanning themselves with paper so I know it wasn't just me feeling the heat. I hyperventilated through the opening prayer, singing, announcements, singing, and the sacrament. But I was losing it quickly. I watched the clock, S L O W L Y, s-l-o-w-l-y, slowly, s*l*o*w*l*y count down those 20 minutes to where the fight or flight response should begin to back down.

 

But it didn't. And due to the new plate that sits right behind my throat, I began gagging. I was able to hide the gagging until the first speaker stood and introduced herself and her topic. It was now 40 minutes after the hour and I was done. I informed the OSM One that I had to go. He was aware of the entire argument I was having with the Nemesis so when I informed him I had to go, he immediately gathered his belongings and escorted me from chapel. I gagged and choked all the way down the hall and outdoors toward the car. The OSM One turns the AC on high (thank heaven for small favors!) and I immediately roll down my window. I need movement! Air! Even so, the gagging continued all the way home and following my desperate swallowing of two Xanax. I want it done! I want it over! Turn me off and reboot!

 

I slept for a few hours. Got up. Slept again for a few hours. Got a headache!! The Nemesis hid within my safety zone and seemed to sneak up on me repeatedly over the next 24 hours. I let my supervisor know on Monday Morning that I needed to sleep off some meds and I hoped to be in the office that afternoon. I slept until 2:00 PM! So I put in a few hours of telecommuting. This morning I could feel the burning in my arms and down my back that tells me the Nemesis is nearby. I took the train into the office and arrived looking like I had run a marathon. But I was at work. The Nemesis followed me to work, but once I am in my cubby, with my earphones on and my mind focused on my responsibilities, he sulks away like a sore loser. Booo Yah!

13 FAMOUS PEOPLE

13 Famous People With Anxiety Disorders

Anxiety can affect anyone. It affects the poor, the rich, the young, the old, the sick, the healthy, and more. Anxiety doesn't discriminate, and while some people may be more prone to anxiety than others, the reality is that anyone from all walks of life can suffer from anxiety disorders.

The most famous, rich, and successful people in the world suffer from anxiety just like everyone else. In this article, we'll look at thirteen different people that suffer from the three most common anxiety disorders--generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder.

The reality is that many people struggle with anxiety --including those that do not qualify for an anxiety disorder diagnoses. Anxiety can also differ in severity. Many famous people struggle with serious anxiety, and many more struggle with mild to moderate anxiety.

Famous People With Generalized Anxiety Disorder:

Generalized anxiety disorder is a persitent form of daily anxiety that doesn't have any of the symptoms of other anxiety disorders. Some of the most famous celebrities have suffered at one time or another with this type of anxiety, which plagues a large percentage of the general population. Notable celebrities include: 

• Leann Rimes As recently as the middle of 2012, Leann Rhymes decided to enter a treatment facility for severe anxiety and stress. While the nature of her anxiety is not listed in any reports (and shouldn't be, since patient information is always confidential), her representative stated that Ms. Rimes simply needs to re-learn coping tools for the significant anxiety that comes with being a celebrity.
• Abraham Lincoln  While its difficult to diagnose someone before diagnoses existed, many believe that Abraham Lincoln suffered from severe anxiety and depression. It should come as no surprise. The most famous president in history was bombarded with challenges, and the world around him was often in chaos. As he himself once said: "We live in the midst of alarms; anxiety beclouds the future; we expect some new disaster with each newspaper we read."

Famous People With Panic Disorder

While generalized anxiety disorder is extremely common, it is also "manageable." As severe as the anxiety can be (and it can be extremely sever), many people with GAD are able to hide the disorder and go about their day as if it doesn't bother them. Generalized Anxiety Disorder is incredible stressful and requires treatement, but a person can go their whole lives without admitting to others that the anxiety exists.

The same is ont true of panic disorder. Panid disorder often causes severe, debilitating anxiety attacks that can frighten not only the person suffering from panic attacks, but also those around them. Because it is difficult to hide panic disorder, far more celebrities are willing to openly share their panic attack problems, including the following individuals:

• Johnny Depp  Johnny Depp may be one of the most popular actors in the world, but that has not stopped him from suffering from panic attacks for years. The actor does not speak about them very often, but his struggles with panic disorder are well known.
• Kate Moss  Johnny Depp's old girlfriend, Kate Moss, also revealed that she had been dealing with panic attacks for years, especially in her youth. She revealed in a magazine interview that her panic attacks may have been related to severe stress over the idea that she needed to make provocative poses with men and women in a way that made her distressed.
• Emma Stone  Speaking of famous actors and actresses, Emma Stone may be one of the most popular young women in movies today, but she also dealt with numerous panic attacks to the point where she developed agoraphobia. While most people get panic attacks in their 20's, Emma Stone got her first panic attack in her youth. Today, she says she still deals with panic attacks once in a while, but has found that she's developed healthy coping strategies to deal with them.
• Joey Votto  For those that only pay attention to movies and film, the name "Joey Votto" may not ring any bells. But those that follow baseball know that as of this writing Joey Votto is one of the best players in major league baseball, and has been for many years. But while he was working his way up the minor leagues and even into the majors, Joey7 Votto suffered from severe panic attacks, to the point where he shared the one phrase that those with panic attacks know all to well; "I thought I was going to die."
• Kim Basinger  Some people get their first panic attack when they are severely stressed. Others get their first one out of the blue, with no way to see it coming. The latter is what happened to famous actress and model Kim Basinger, who had her first panic attack in the middle of a grocery store. Her panic attacks were so terrible that she developed agoraphobia and depression as a result.
• Charlie Beljan  Charlie Beljan is a golfer that became the face of panic attacks when he suffered from one whil playing on the PGA tour. He managed to finish with one of the lowest scores of his career despite himself and the paramedics believing he was having a heart attack that turned out to be nothing more than a severe panic attack.
• Scarlett Johansson  Being beautiful and famous doesn't stop anxiety. Scarlett Johansson, who shared that she often feels nervous on sets before filming a movie, has also said that right before filming she has suffered from some severe anxiety attacks. It's not clear if she's talking about "severe anxiety" or "panic attacks," but it is obvious that the actress is not without that added stress.
• Adele  The most famous singer in the world in 2011 and 2012 appears to have suffered from not only panic attacks, but also social phobia and severe stage fright. Performing in front of crowds of thousands can give anyone stage fright, but there is a strong likelihood that her anxiety attacks were an issue long before she ever stepped on stage.

Famous People with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Many celebrities claim to suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder. Most of them do not. Being OCD has become a very unusual  badge of honor for a lot of different famous people who see it as a neat eccentricity rather than a significant disruption in their lives.

But those that live with OCD know how debilitating and stressful it can be. It is not just liking order or never using a public bathroom. Those with OCD develop severe anxiety, have unusual thoughts or fears, and perform ritualistic behaviors specifically to get through their day to day life.

There are several famous people that feel your pain. A small sample of these people includes:

• Howie Mandel  A "fear of germs" doesn't necessarily make you obsessive compulsive, but Howie Mandel's lifestyle changes are indicative of a person that is overcoming a real mental health disorder. Mandel not only doesn't shake hands or touch dirty things--he even keeps his hair shaved to help him feel cleaner.
• David Beckham  While he's managed t live a fairly decent quality of life despite his disorder, David Beckham has all of the qualities of a real celebrity living with OCD. Beckham's obsession is order, specifically with pairs. He needs to have even numbers or he becomes very uncomfortable, and has been known to throw out or add to things in order to make sure they are an even number.
• Fred Durst  The former lead singer of Limp Bizkit has said that he has struggled with terrible OCD, but he prefers to keep the details of his obsessive compulsive disorder private. He claims that he has looked for several tools, including books, to try to get rid of his ticks behavioral troubles, but that he still struggles with it to this day.

What to Learn From Celebrities with Anxiety Disorders

There are countless more examples of celebrities and famous individuals with various anxiety disorders. From Carry Underwood to Amanda Seyfried, it doesn't matter if you are famous or not famous--anxiety disorders can affect everyone.

But one thing you can learn from thee celebrities is that nearly all of them sought help. They recognized that their anxiety was a problem and they committed themselves to controlling it.

Provided by the Calm Clinic



Another Day in the Life

It seems to have been a very long time since the nemesis won an interaction with me. But all it takes is one failure to cause me to move into that constant state of "what if." 

I didn't get much of a holiday over the Labor Day weekend this year because we had family at the house so we could bless the new grandbaby. So I took the following Thursday off of work to do anything I wanted to. Hung out at home. I wanted to go see a movie that was opening on Friday but the first showing wasn't going to be until early evening so I chose a different movie. All action and humor. 

The movie has been in the theater for quite a while so it was relegated to a small theater in the back of the establishment. Since we can now reserve seats, it was easy to see that there wasn't going to be a crowd. Yea!!! 

I got myself a hotdog, a box of skittles, and a large Mr. Pibb. It takes a lot of thought to determine if I can handle Mr. Pibb or not. After only a short debate, during which I reminded myself that I was allowed to do what ever I wanted on this holiday weekend, I determined I was having that caffeinated soda!

When I entered the theatre, there were three people sitting at the top. Heeehehee, my seat was going to be in the center of the main row of seats so I could put my feet up on the bars and not bother anyone. I was nice and comfy and chowed down my hot dog (with mustard only) and then opened the skittles; popping them two at a time into my mouth. Sips of soda in between. This was going as planned. Until two additional patrons joined our crowd.

I did not see them enter the theater, so I do not know if it was two guys or a guy and a girl. I do know they both had low voices and spoke in a foreign language. WELL, I can't exactly just turn and look them in the face! Afterall, if they are killers then I would have to be taken out first cause I can identify them!! They continued to speak quietly to each other and then I heard a noise. I can't even describe the noise. But I am sure it sounds similar to when you pour bullets into an automatic weapon. Oh yeah, you don't pour them do you? It is more like a click-thunk sound... Anyway then there was a sound that reminded me of the noise a ratchet-wrench makes. I knew it! I knew they were loading their guns! I looked for the fastest way out. The movie hadn't started yet, but maybe if I just left now, I could escape the slaughter of the remaining three patrons.

NO, I talked myself out of that. This was a stupid train of thought. Why would they come to a movie with no one attending in order to commit their little terroristic plot?? WELL? Of course maybe they just picked the theater furthest from the front of the theater with a quick escape down the stairs to the parking garage. hmmmm....NO I am going to stick it out. SCORE!!

I was enjoying the movie so much that I basically forgot about those guns behind me. The movie's title was Two Guns and starred Denzel Washington and Mark Walberg. It was full of shoot-outs and crazy driving and the two stars bantering back and forth so quickly that you had to pay attention to what they were really saying. I enjoyed the movie!! I enjoyed the movie so much I lost track of how much Mr. Pibb I was drinking!! When the movie ended, I waited for the terrorists to leave before fleeing into the closest restroom. Stomach cramps, sweating, racing heart, dizziness--you know, the regular nemesis arsenal.

But I stayed until I was in control! YEA!! Then I decided to head down to the other end of the mall, which I should have realized was another trick. I do not venture there because the restrooms are too few and too far away. But I thought I had cleared anything and everything from my gut back at the theater. I hadn't.

So now comes the public humiliation. As I realize where I am at and how far it is to the nearest restroom, I am greatly aware of the cramping in my intestines. Loud noises follow me as I hurry toward the JCPenney store about half way through the mall. As I turned the corner leading to the restroom, several loud complaints escaped my bowels and I heard some woman giggle. I had to hurry before my bowels decided to do what they were designed to do without my authorization. I made it!! In fact I made it home with clean under wear!

In addition, during the entire experience, I was gagging. I had surgery in June to have several discs in my neck fused and since then, I have a very sensitive gag reflex. I was frightened that these gagging sensations were going to turn into real projectile vomit. But I saved that until I arrived home.  I remember while in the restroom, someone took an air freshener and sprayed and sprayed and sprayed. And sprayed some more. Yes, I was responsible for that. Thank you very much.

Not one to immediately run from the Nemesis, I chose to go to the women's section and reward myself with a couple of blouses. Twice I was ready to leave, but there was already someone standing at the register. There was no way, no way I was going to stand in line! Even if there was only one person in the line!! I hid among the racks and continued to leave a foul odor until I was able to walk directly to the counter and complete my transaction. Why are cashiers so slow when the Nemesis comes around? Why does the entire world move so slow when the Nemesis is around?? It wouldn't be so bad to have noises coming from you if people would hurry up and leave your presence. Can't they sense the danger? Can't they sense the end of civilization as we know it while I am sitting on the stupid throne?? The floor must be shaking as much as my legs shake with terror, yet I seem to be the only one aware of the horrible ending this is going to have.

I hurried to my car, through the pouring rain. I thought the cool rain would make me feel better and flip the off switch that the Nemesis kept turning on. It didn't work. Now I was wet, and winded, and gagging. By the time I arrived at home, I was gagging uncontrollably. I hurried into the bathroom and lost it in the toilet. It has been a long time and I have forgotten how fast my heart will run. Between repeated trips to the throne, I turned on my electric blanket for warmth and put some pajamas on. Four Xanax later I was able to tell the OSM-One that I went to the movie.....Then slept for 24-hours. Awwwww...Sweet Relief. Just another day in the life......

SHE'S GONNA BLOW!

image by MSN

 

A bomb went off at the Boston Marathon today, injuring hundreds and killing at least three. Reports identified loss of limbs, broken bones, and shrapnel wounds were common injuries. One of the face book pages I follow is called 'High Anxieties.' The question was asked, "when is it time to turn off the news and images?" My response was this:

Karen Hill - I struggle with panic disorder but agoraphobia was triggered by 911. For me, I have to know what is going on. I want to know where the danger is coming from. I want to know who did it and why. So even though the images are duplicative, my need to know outweighs my fear.

 

 My arm has been bothering me for several months and today at work, my forearm was tingling and my hand went completely numb. I called the orthopedist and made an appointment. An Xray indicated some stenosis of a few disks in my neck so I have been referred to a spine specialist and scheduled for an MRI in the morning. 

 

When the nurse was making my appointment for the MRI, she asked if I was claustrophobic. How do you respond to this when you have panic disorder? "sometimes." I said. "Well, maybe, kinda sorta."

 

Her response was that in order to have a Valium prior to the procedure, I would need to come half an hour earlier and bring someone to drive me home. I decided I could do it without the Valium.

 

I arrived at my appointment on time and learned that the earlier you schedule your appointment at imaging, the faster you get in! Lesson Learned!
 

 

 

The technician invited me to lie down on the table and place my shoulders firmly against the block. I did this successfully with minimal wobbling, which is a miracle considering the size of my bottom end!! As the technician placed, what I can only call a face mask, over my face he explained that this is used for stability and it results in better images. I immediately felt the weight of the contraption interfere with my breathing patter and mumbled, "Uh-oh."

 

The technician asked if this was going to be a deal breaker and I let him know it was a possibility. He suggested we wait just a minute and see if  I can continue. I won--we are doing this! So the technician placed foam pads on either side of my head making sure I was snug and could not move and then the machine magically sucks you into its innards.

 

The machine is so tight that only an inch remains between my left side and the machine, my right side and the machine, and my nose and the roof of the machine. The roof of the machine has long lights, but I wouldn't know that if I closed my eyes. So I close my eyes, make sure I have a secure hold on my emergency button, and between the clanks and bangs of the machine, begin to sing myself a song:

"Heavenly Father--are you really there and do you hear and answer every child's prayer. Some say that Heaven is far away, but I feel it close around me as I pray. Heavenly Father--I remember now, something that Jesus told disciples long ago; Suffer the children to come to me. Father in prayer I'm coming now to thee. 

Child--I am hear. Speak I am listening. You are my child....."

 

So, I can't remember the rest of the words so I just kept singing this portion over and over again (75 times) until the technician's voice came through the innards of the machine and told me I was half way through, and doing a great job! Well, who would give up now??? Now I get to count down !

When I was done singing, I was free to go! Folds this is called SCORE!!! Whooot!

 

So I am feeling pretty good about myself after that nice little battle with the Nemesis. I am feeling quite invincible so I head toward my office which is about 60 minutes away by freeway. My stereo is blasting Ollie Murs and I am bopping along at my standard 80 MPH (yes I am aware it is dangerous, but I am behind the wheel, which of course means I, I said I as in ME am in charge.)

 

image by google

 

I approach a two tanker gasoline truck which is leaking pink fluid at a steady stream from the back tank. Well, after the bombing in Boston, I definitely do not want this happening in my backyard, so I speed up (just a little) to get even with the trucker. I wave my arms like a lunatic to get his attention.

 

As I pull ahead, I keep my speed slower than what I like while observing the trucker. My fellow commuters were not happy with me slowing down, so I moved into the same lane as the trucker. I hoped he would get the message and follow, which he did as his signals indicated he was moving over to the right. Just in time since the commuters in that lane were becoming impatient with me. I figured if I switched lanes again he would know I was trying to communicate. I decided to go ahead and pull to the right shoulder and hoped the trucker would also. He did!! What a miracle!!

 

He pulled off and a little ahead of me. I pulled my emergency brake and pushed my emergency flashers before running toward his truck. As I approached the truck, the driver walked along the side of the truck with a bit of swagger but a concerned look on his face. I immediately informed him of the appearance of a leak and he smiled big and informed me it was just snow. I clasped my hands together and pleaded:

 

"Oh my goodness! Are you sure?? Please promise me it is just snow!"

"I promise, Ma'am. Its just snow. I'm empty, Ma'am."

"You're sure? Because this would be, like, really bad and...."

"I'm positive, Ma'am. I am empty, Ma'am!"

 

When I arrived at my office, there were tons of vehicles! My immediate thought was they evacuated the building! My building is right off the freeway. Have I mentioned that it takes a while for the adrenaline to run its course following a run in with the Nemesis? Yea. Well........



CARRY ON!

 

A recent post from "High Anxieties," which is a facebook page I follow, made me want to put a word in for the performer. Based on his interview in 2009 with Oprah Winfrey he has always struggled with anxiety and panic. I remember seeing that interview and felt he was somewhat playing it for the audience. Why would I feel that way, when I know how difficult it is to remain brave??? It is because Panic hides behind our attempts to appear normal. In the video of Jon performing and leaving the stage, it was not apparent that he was struggling to that extreme. He had a role on stage and he stayed in the fight for as long as possible. Yea, I believe his leaving the stage looked more like panic and what he shared on Oprah was the anxiety we all have due to fearing a possible panic attack. What is the worse that could happen??? He could walk off stage and the rest of the gang will perform and fill in for him. Jon will perform tomorrow night, as usual. Because that is what we do when a nemesis follows us around!

 

 

 Thanks to Denise for letting us know that Jon from The New Kidd's On The Block walked off stage last night during a concert because of a panic attack. I checked out the fan page for the group and he does have some supportive comments but also negative. If you can, please go over to the page and lend him your support. He has always been open about his panic even doing a show about it with Oprah and we really need to encourage him during this time. Thank you!!! Victoria

https://www.facebook.com/nkotb?fref=ts

Jon's interview with Oprah *** Possible Trigger***

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oNQtjf7iaI&feature=player_

New Kids On The Block's Jonathan Knight Walks Off Stage During NYC Concert

www.billboard.com

New Kids On The Block's Jonathan Knight Walks Off Stage During NYC ConcertArticlesNewsBy Gary Trust, New York | April 05, 2013 6:56 AM EDT WireImage 0000New Kids on the Block took to the stage

 

 

Karen Hill

Jon-assuming Panic was the culprit that chased you from the stage--I feel it should be recognized you live your life with this on a daily basis. You fight with all your might and flee only when the ability to fight has been exhausted. It isn't a sign of weakness at all, but a sign of the massive amount of exposure you fight against. Stand tall and carry on!!

 

TRIPS TO THE ER!

photo by google

This whole experience for this woman was a repeat for me!! Today I laugh at the time the EMTs were at my house and my heart rate was toward 200! They gave me oxygen and I used the diaphram breathing to calm myself. One of the EMTs whispered to my husband, "...looks like she is calming down now." And my heart rate instantly climbed back to where it was. Yea....I ended up in the ER that time. However, I did have a success story when the olympic torch came through town. This was something I truly wanted my children to experience, but my husband had to work the event so I was on my own. I survived through the entire experience until it was over....a new kind of panic called rebound panic. Now that it was over and we were walking toward our vehicle, the ole nemesis raised its ugly head. I collapsed near the wheel of a police car and they kindly called an ambulance. Once again, my heart rate was escalated and I felt I was choking causing me to gag and shiver. And the fireworks going off were interpeted as terrorist bombs. The nice EMT asked me if this happened often and I answered in the affirmative. He asked me if I talk to anyone about this and I answered in the affirmative. He asked what that person would tell me to do and as I regurgitated my most recent session with DR. D. the EMT placed the oximeter on my finger and showed me that I was receiving enough oxygen to survive. I wasn't choking like I thought and by doing the self talk I had been taught started to calm down.The EMT asked what the worst scenario was and I reported that it would be to once again end up in the ER. He laughed at that!! But he also offered to drive me to my vehicle if someone would drive me home from there!! I was able to go home and take my own meds without going to the ER!!! Boy can the people around you impact the self esteem when fighting off personal demons!!

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/panic/2013/03/the-trifecta-of-fail-a-desolate-road-a-panic-attack-and-an-ambulance/   http://blogs.psychcentral.com/panic/2013/03/the-trifecta-of-fail-continued-panic-in-the-middle-of-nowhere/   http://blogs.psychcentral.com/panic/2013/03/the-trifecta-of-fail-man-calls-ambulance-while-i-continue-to-panic/   http://blogs.psychcentral.com/panic/2013/03/the-end-of-the-trifecta-how-the-worst-panic-attack-of-my-life-ended/?fb_action_ids=10151388516206973&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=288381481237582

BRAIN TALK

I am starting my first week of a nasty cold, a gift I accepted from my sweetie. He has been ill with a lung infection as well so he didn't shave all week. He is so cute with a goatee, but I new it was coming off before today....bummer. We both planned to work today, which meant I was going into the office.

I arrived at the train depot with time to spare! Whoooot! Not only that, but I also found a great parking place! As the train rolled into the station, I swiped my badge and with perfect timing passed onto the platform. Whew!! I was surprised at the number of people riding today. I chose a car located toward the middle and went to the upper area to find a seat. As I settled into my seat, I realize it is too quiet. WAAAAAAAY too quiet.

I quickly assess myself and am relieved that my heart is not pounding and I am not hyperventilating. The problem is outside of myself. I verbalize to no one specifically, "it seems too quiet. Did they shut down the engine?" Another passenger acknowledged that she was sure they did. I asked if it shut down because it is early and another passenger gave the current time and also added the scheduled time for departure, which wasn't for another ten minutes. I thanked him for that info and stated, "well, that makes me feel better at least." Moments later, an employee of UTA entered the area and informed us that the train was actually broken down. Everyone disembarked and awaited the next train, which was coming into the station.

This time, I chose the car located at the southern most of the train. This is the car which has the one and only bathroom. I thought this was a great opportunity for me to actually see whether anyone uses it. I discovered that yes they do. I even saw one man who entered in workout clothing and exited dressed as a professional businessman.

Arrived at work just before 9:00 AM whooooot! Right on time. I had an average day at work. Nothing exciting, but I stayed busy. At the end of the day, when I realized the bus back to the train depot would be arriving anytime, I requested that my coworker actually complete the mailing procedure for a project I had been working on all day. She was happy to oblige, but after I had taken the time to explain what the situation was and what she would need to do, I had no time left. The bus should be here now!!!!

I grabbed my computer, keys and wallet and made haste for the nearest exit. I wore tennis shoes today and I flew down those stairs! whoooooot! I quickly became very aware that I had not used the restroom at all this day. My bladder was not very happy about bouncing down four flights of stairs! I planned to find a restroom when I got to the train depot. Unfortunately, there are no public restrooms at the train depot so I walked a block planning to use a restroom in the old Rio Grande building. I forgot that other businesses close down and lock their doors at 5:00 PM which was about 45 minutes ago. Ughhhh! So I walked back toward the train depot, tenderly.

The whole experience took another twenty minutes and I was aching, no I decided I was really hurting, but the train and I arrived at the same time. So I headed for the southern most car of the train, knowing there was a bathroom there!

When the train departed, a UTA employee entered the bathroom and washed his hands. The nemesis suddenly starts analyzing the surroundings making ridiculous conclusions. I can say that now. At the time everything was matter of fact, logical and should be obvious to all around me. Let's begin...

The train has been on the tracks all day, how often do they service the bathrooms onboard? Probably once a day, when the train is removed from service. That obviously means this bathroom has not been serviced since last night. This is a moving vehicle. What do bathrooms look like in moving vehicles? I picture miniature toilets with blue gel. Do they even exist? I imagine the old outhouses from Yellowstone. When you flush the toilet, does it just open to a compartment and all contents 'fall' to their final resting place? The employee washed his hands though, and he did so with the door open so there must be a source of water. hmmmm thinking about water is not good when the bladder is begging for attention!

We leave the station and others begin to step forward to use the restroom. Men. Well, if you are a man there is no problem. Afterall, you aren't required to sit on an object while traveling 70 miles an hour. An object that men have pointed their own equipment at and probably shaken at it too.  Two more men use the restroom. I notice some wipe their hands on their jeans when exiting. hmmmm. Do women ever use this thing???? At American Fork, a young lady enter the bathroom. I heard what I assumed to be the 'seat' slam down. Another man approached to use the facility but the door was locked. Well, that was a relief!!!! At least the lock works correctly! He decided to stand there and wait. The young lady slid the door open with a disgusted look on her face and then slammed it behind her. Oh Yea, definitely bad experience!!

Then the man went in and you could hear him gagging. When he exited, he wiped his hand across his chin and then wiped his hand on his jeans. Ummmmmm I definitely was not going to use this restroom. When we arrived in Provo, it caused me great anguish to move to a standing position. I tenderly moved toward the door and my shoe lace got caught on the edge pulling it untied. AUGGHHHH!! Seriously! I cannot bend over and tie my shoe!! Perhaps if I make it to the next bench, I can lift my leg up and then tie it. Success. Slow, Slow progress toward my vehicle. AUGGHHHH! lift my bag up and into the vehicle. Now to climb up and sit behind the wheel. AUGHHHHH! Do I dare go without my seatbelt. NO. I am not ready to die, although I think I am going to die--so I put on my seatbelt. Breaking the speedlimit, and cautiously avoiding bumps and unnecessary turns, I make my way home.

I'm home!! My own home!!! That means my own toilet!! It may not meet Martha Stewart standards but I am familiar with it. I know what it looks like and how it operates. I pad into my private abode and release the discomfort of the Nemesis. It took a longgggg time!!

Does your brain talk to you like this???

CARBON DIOXIDE AGAIN!!!

Study Discovers Internal Trigger for Panic Attack in the Previously Fearless


By JAMES GORMAN
Published: February 3, 2013

In the past few years, scientists have learned a lot about fear from a woman who could not experience it. A rare illness had damaged a part of her brain known as the amygdala and left her eerily unafraid.

Both in experiments and in life, the woman, known as SM, showed no fear of scary movies, snakes, spiders or very real domestic assaults, death threats, and robberies at knife- and gunpoint.

Although she lived in an area “replete with crime, drugs and danger,” according to an earlier study, because she lacked a functioning amygdala, an evolutionarily ancient part of the brain long known to process fear, nothing scared her.

But recently SM had a panic attack. And the simple fact that she was able to feel afraid without a working amygdala, experts say, illuminates some of the brain’s most fundamental processes and may have practical value in the study of panic attacks.

SM’s moments of fear occurred during an experiment that involved inhaling carbon dioxide through a mask in amounts that are not harmful but create a momentary feeling of suffocation. Not only SM, but two other women, identified as AM and BG, identical twins with amygdala damage similar to SM’s, showed all the physical symptoms of panic, and reported that, to their surprise, they felt intense fear.

The researchers, who report on the experiment in the current issue of Nature Neuroscience, had hypothesized that SM would not panic. John A. Wemmie, a neuroscientist at the University of Iowa and the senior author of the paper, said, “We saw the exact opposite.”

Antonio Damasio, of the University of Southern California, who had worked with SM and some of the researchers involved in this study on previous papers but did not participate in this research, said he was delighted with the results. It confirmed his own thinking, he said, that while the amygdala was central to fear generated by external threats, there was a different brain path that produced the feeling of fear generated by internal bodily experiences like a heart attack. This idea was put forth in a 2011 paper about SM on which he was a co-author.

“I think it’s a very interesting and important result,” he said.

Dr. Joseph E. LeDoux, of New York University, who has extensively studied the amygdala but was not involved in the research, said in an e-mail, “This is a novel and important paper” in an area where there is much left to learn. He said scientists still did not understand “how the brain creates a conscious experience of fear,” whether the amygdala or other systems are involved.

SM scores in the normal range on I.Q. and other tests, and she voluntarily participated in this and earlier studies, all of which showed her lacking in any sort of fear response until now. In one, for example, she walked through a Halloween haunted house and never gasped, recoiled or screamed, as others did, when a person in a costume leapt out of the dark. She also did not seem to learn fear from life experiences.

So what was so unusual about carbon dioxide?

The answer seems to lie in the way the brain monitors disturbances in the world outside the body — snakes and robbers — compared with the way it monitors trouble inside the body — hunger, heart attacks, the feeling of not being able to breathe. External threats clearly are processed by the amygdala. But she had never been tested for internal signals of trouble.

In the experiment that SM and others participated in, they took one deep breath with plenty of oxygen but much more carbon dioxide than air usually contains. Humans are actually not sensitive to how much oxygen they are breathing, but they are sensitive to how much carbon dioxide is accumulating in the body, since it builds up quickly when a person cannot breathe. The sensation is familiar to people who have tried to hold their breath.

The researchers suggest that excess carbon dioxide produces signals that may be picked up in the brainstem and elsewhere, activating a fear-generating system in the brain that a venomous snake or a mugger with a gun would not set off.

One puzzling aspect of the results is that SM and the two other women all reacted so strongly. Among people with normal brains, only those with panic disorder are reliably terrified in carbon dioxide experiments. Most people are not so susceptible, said Colin Buzza, a co-author of the study and a medical student at the University of Iowa Carver College of Medicine, suggesting that perhaps the amygdala is not functioning properly in people with panic disorder.

A version of this article appeared in print on February 4, 2013, on page A12 of the New York edition with the headline: Study Discovers Internal Trigger for Panic Attack in the Previously Fearless

MOMMY NEEDS XANAX??

OK......I am not even sure how I came across this little ditty from Good Morning America. However, I want anyone and everyone to know that I was somewhat disappointed in it. I feel this presentation provided another excuse for the use of these medications. Do they believe physicians really prescribe these meds based on the fact that being a mommy is difficult? That is the diagnosis turned in to the insurance agency?? I believe some women take medication to mask issues that existed before motherhood pasted yellow stars to their foreheads.

Let me preface my comments by acknowledging I too use the identified Benzodiazapine (Xanax) in addition to an SSNRI (Effexor). I will also acknowledge I never used these types of medications prior to becoming a mother. However, becoming a mother was only the nudge that forced me over the edge.

I am one of those women who wanted nothing more in life than to marry the man of my dreams and fill my home with ooodles of children. I was never one to dream of working at the office, or wearing a skirt and stockings everyday. But I also never dreamed I would be so exhausted as a new mother.

Despite warnings from one generation to another, one sister to another, one friend to another, a woman is never prepared for the mind boggling fatigue that occurs within days of childbirth. Most mothers experience a few weeks of 'baby blues', another warning typically ignored. But some mothers, perhaps those included in the GMA video, find those blues don't seem to fade away. Instead, they seem to linger and grow larger than life while the mother puts on a happy face for everyone who compliments the beautiful baby. For a smaller number of women, severe Post-partem Depression will take over their lives and prevent appropriate bonding not only with their newborn but with the world around them. These are the mothers who should have been depicted in the GMA video.

I have experienced the difference between healthy, normal 'baby blues' and the dreaded Post-partem Depression. A diagnosis of a severe Post-partem depression, lasting beyond the birth of another child, is what led to the eventual diagnosis of Panic Disorder and my use of noted medications.

Lets face it. Being a parent is hard. Twenty-four hour shifts with no time off. The more children you have, the larger the drain on emotional energy. Being the mommy is not for sissys! But using medication to get you through the day 'without going crazy' is not the answer. I often see women out together in groups. Sometimes they have little ones with them and sometimes they are having an adults only escape. Despite what it looks like, these women do not leave their motherhood behind when they leave home. It is just as hard for the lady in high heels and lipstick as it is for me (wearing jeans that were invented for sleep).

Never-the-less, all women should explore their lives prior to becoming a mommy. Perhaps their anxiety will only be diminished when they come to accept that their child's diaper smells as badly as the next, that their child also leaks green snot, and that most mommys have laundry waiting, dishes waiting, and bills waiting to be paid. Until then, the facade of being a perfect mommy will be very fragile. The medications being used are not happy pills and will not make them better mothers or their children better behaved. The only way to improve motherhood is to put effort into it, and one must be healthy physically and emotionally in order to do that.

Post-partem depression is a serious mental health crisis and needs to be addressed appropriately. Medications alone are unlikely to help without guided exploration of personal interpretations of life. I am now an empty nester and continue the medications first prescribed 30 years ago; because not only was being a mommy hard, being a mommy with Panic Disorder was even harder.

I believe Good Morning America did a disservice to mothers across the nation by implying these medications make parenting easier. They also diminish the effort to bring mental health to the forefront by minimizing what could be serious post-partem issues among their viewers. MOM

PUBLIC PANIC!!

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

There are so many layers to anxiety its like an onion. You can pull away the daily panic attacks or generalized anxiety and you still have so many underlying issues to deal with. Will I ever be okay with who I am right now?

GRAVITY

The evil in this dance is meant to be addiction. Addictions can be so many things in our lives. We can be addicted to food, to sleep, alcohol, sex, illegal drugs or prescription drugs. We can also be addicted to a specific way of thinking such as our political or religious beliefs. For me, the addiction includes multiple thinking errors. How safe am I? How cruel are you behind your door? Will I ever be free from the evil and danger lurking around me?

What is the partner that controls your dance of life? Can you ever be truly free to dance on your own?

http://youtu.be/_48OKZqYzHM

WE ARE NOT CRAZY!

I received an email from the writer of this guest blog. She has achieved a new job!! Yea for her!!! Unfortunately, along with her new job comes a new fear that this very personal story will be associated with her. So I have taken the time to remove her photo and made an attempt to remove her name or other identifying information. I wish her the best of luck in her future!!!! And may her Nemesis never rise its ugly head again!!

"Before I begin my story, let me just paint a picture for you. Before this, I openly insinuated that Anorexics should be force-fed at gunpoint. Before this, I claimed that anxiety was just an excuse for people who were too afraid to face life. Before this, I had no sympathy for friends who told me they had just suffered a panic attack. Before this, it just didn’t make sense to me. I didn’t have any tolerance for mental illnesses because I was strong and healthy minded, and I simply did not believe that the mind could administer so much control.

It turns out that I was very wrong. On 4th August 2011, I had a very traumatic experience which left me with temporary psychosis. The psychosis lasted about 14 days, and during this period, I was afraid of my own car, my own house, my own reflection, and most of all, my own company.

Being alone instilled fear into me; I was afraid that I was dead. When I reassured myself that I was still breathing, I started to panic that something or someone was going to get me. And as much as you could start to believe that these were the ramblings of a crazy person, I assure you, I had never suffered from so much as pre-interview nerves in my life. I was the most unlikely sufferer. Nothing is impossible when it comes to the power of the mind.

Coming to Terms with Anxiety and Panic Disorder

The psychosis soon passed, but the truth is that the anxiety and panic never did – and probably never will completely. The anxiety and panic is now a part of my everyday life and even months after the trauma, there are still unwavering remnants of my most irrational fears.

The phobias are here to stay and it affects pretty much everything that I do, from the way I perform at work to my relationships with friends and family. On bad days, I would be too scared to get into a toilet cubicle because I feel trapped, I would stay up all night scared of the deadly silence of night and miss work the next day due to tiredness, or I would almost crash my car because of my fear of the dark causing a panic attack.

People who care about me don’t understand why I’m scared to be on my own, as much as they tell me that they do. People who don’t know me that well may find me rude or dismissive when I’m having a particularly bad day. But it’s my closest friends and family members who see the brunt of my problems, my boyfriend in particular.

He’s no angel, but I expect him to know exactly how to act when I have a wave of anxiety or experience the beginnings of a panic attack – it’s just not that simple. The truth is, he has his own life and his own problems and doesn’t always say or do the right thing to help me. But we’ve come to terms with my anxiety, and even through the skin of our teeth, we get through the worst arguments.

Dealing with My Phobias and Fears

I’d be lying if I said that anxiety hadn’t changed my quality of life. Of course it has. The simplest things such as driving in the dark or being inside a building on my own require meticulous planning on my part. Everything needs to be thought out because travelling in a car for 3 hours on the motorway or staying in my house on my own for more than a day still seem impossible at the moment. But I try my best to manage it, and I believe that it’s something that will improve over time.

I look back on a more independent period in my life where I used to enjoy ‘me days’ watching films and pampering myself with treatments. I miss the independence and the peace of being in my own company, and even amongst the other fears which have developed through my anxiety such as claustrophobia, thanatophobia, fear of the dark and fear of losing control, it’s the fear of being alone which I most despise.

Managing My Anxiety and Panic Disorder

Everyone’s experience with anxiety and panic is different, so there’s no exact formula on how to deal with it. But I do recommend reaching out to others and seeking professional help. I know that not everyone benefits from Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) or psychotherapy, and if you don’t, it’s always helpful to talk to someone you can trust. I promise. Talking openly about it to my friends, to panic and anxiety charities, and to other sufferers has changed the way I look at the disorder.

For me, I try to diffuse my nervous energy by focusing on creative things. Singing when I’m alone helps me feel more alive, I love to travel so I keep a travel blog which takes up most of my time, and I paint to occupy my mind.

I also believe in taking things one step at a time because throwing yourself into a threatening position doesn’t help you overcome your fears. There will be days when you feel like you’ve taken a step back but it’s important to accept the swings and roundabouts of anxiety.

There’s never been any history of mental illness in my family, I’ve always been a very strong and healthy person and people have known me to be fearless and to possess a try-everything-once mentality. So it really can happen to anyone, and the mind is so much stronger than you could ever believe. People can tell me to “Snap out of it!” but it’s just not that easy.

To this day, I still think twice about getting into my car when it’s dark outside, I still leave the TV on when I go to sleep at night because other people’s voices comfort me, I still struggle to close my eyes in the shower, and I still feel a little frightened when I’m not surrounded by friends and laughter. But I do deal with it. And there is every reward in being optimistic.

Stay positive and just remember, you’re not crazy. I know it feels that way sometimes."

Author:

deleted at the request of original author

Facing your fears at 40

By Emily Listfield

What mature 40-something is afraid to drive? Um, that would be me.

A few months after my 17th birthday, I was in a horrendous car accident. I wasn't driving, and it was no one's fault — but on a dark, rainy night on an unlit country road, my boyfriend and I descended a 40-foot ravine upside down. Luckily, except for concussions and some stitches, we were both all right. For months after, I shook just getting into the passenger's seat. I had already gotten my learner's permit, but the prospect of driving now terrified me.

Over time, the fear hardened into a real phobia. Driving, such an integral part of the American lifestyle and psyche, seemed completely beyond me. After college, I moved back to my native New York City, where it is easy to navigate by mass transit. Nevertheless, I was embarrassed not only by my inability to drive but also by my failure to conquer the fear that was at its root. To a large degree, that anxiety informed my self-image. (Hi, my name is Emily, and I don't drive.) The fact that I couldn't bring myself to attempt getting behind the wheel surely represented a weakness in my character.

At 30, determined to vanquish my fear of driving, I took lessons. With my instructor by my side, I crawled through the streets of New York, never going faster than 3 miles a hour — and even then I was white-knuckling it. Still, I managed to get my license. Three months later, I got married — and my husband (at my urging) did all of the driving for the next decade.

A few weeks before my 40th birthday, I got a writing assignment that required me to go to California. Though I had traveled on business alone before, I had stuck to cities where cabs were available. (Never mind necessity; fear is the true mother of invention.) This time, the person I had to interview could be reached only by driving. I asked my husband to join me and tried to sell it as a mini vacation (my mom would watch our daughter), but we both knew what I was really angling for: a chauffeur.

Though he was swamped at work, my husband agreed. (He had, over the years, tried with a heroic degree of patience to encourage me to drive, until finally, to my relief, he gave up.) I felt guilty — and worse, childlike and ridiculous. I had never imagined that I would be so dependent at this stage in my life. I had to conquer this fear once and for all. I decided the best 40th-birthday present I could give myself was another round of driving lessons. My instructor assured me that he'd had "cases" like me before and had gotten them over their drive-o-phobia. I so wanted to be his next success story.

A week before my birthday, my husband and I flew to San Francisco. We had agreed that he would stay in the city visiting with friends while I drove the 25 miles north to do the interview. As I took the rental-car keys from him, every cell in my body was urging me to say, "No, please, I can't do it, you drive." But I was determined to enter the next decade of my life free of this absurd fear. As I made it over the Golden Gate Bridge, a wary optimism began to settle in. I blasted the radio, feeling very powerful, very "I am woman, hear me roar." The future opened up before me, mine for the taking.

That should be the end of the story. Victory. Driving lesson learned. But if it's possible for 50 miles on a sunny California road to leave you with post-traumatic stress disorder, that's what happened. Once I got back into town and parked the car, I broke into a cold sweat. All those cars speeding down the highway, all that potential loss of control — I never wanted to do it again. I limped into our hotel lobby and ordered a (huge) glass of wine while I waited for my husband to return. Yes, I had done it — and the fear was now stronger than ever.

I had imagined the evening would be a celebration of my newfound freedom. Instead, all I wanted was to crawl into bed and hide from the world. This, of course, would ruin both my and my husband's night. I realized suddenly that I had a choice, not just about the evening but about my life. Yes, the wine was kicking in, but that doesn't make the realization any less valid: I could continue to allow my fear to eat away at me, or I could accept it as just one component of my personality, put it in its place, and go have some fun.

In that instant, an enormous weight lifted and the fear lost all power over me — for in the moment of accepting it, I was fully accepting myself for the first time. Can't drive? So what! I'd rather laugh off this foible than grant it dominion. At 40, I had earned the right not to try to fix everything about myself, not to hide or be embarrassed by the idiosyncrasies that make me me. Sitting there as dusk began to settle, I understood that real confidence would come not in conquering every last challenge in life (an impossibility anyway) but rather in accepting myself in all my multifaceted, silly, and flawed humanity. I had won over the fear after all. The future really was mine for the taking. It always had been. And that truly was worth celebrating.

COMMENTS ARE ADDED TO THIS POST THAT WERE ATTACHED TO THE ORIGINAL POST BY EMILY. READ THEM!! IT REVEALS HOW NORMAL WE REALLY ARE!!

Golf Pro Hospitalized Three Times

Bubba Watson admitted on Wednesday that he has suffered

several panic attacks in his career. (Photo: REUTERS / Mike Segar)

 



I love discovering others who admit they have had to turn to the emergency room following a Panic Attack. I particularly love it when I can find quotables such as, "[The doctor] told me, basically, I need medicine. I need medicine that calms me down." LOL!!

http://www.isportstimes.com/articles/5041/20130103/watson-panic-attacks-golf-pro-hospitalized-three.htm